I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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