Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my shit smells like andre
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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