I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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