My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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