I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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