and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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