Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
