I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
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