cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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