He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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