u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You need Xanax blowdarts
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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