Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
