Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
