theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
