I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.