After last night, I could never be a politician.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.