I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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