booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
