Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
