I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
