I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm too high and old for this...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
