fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
