I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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