I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
