I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
