I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
