Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
