Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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