The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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