I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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