So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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