Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
