I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
They have beer where we have blood.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
