I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
