Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
