your parents love me but you hate me
my phone needs a breathalizer
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think people are normalizing furries
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