i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
