Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
