i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
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I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.