my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.