My first STD was from a foam party
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE