i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
