why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
