I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
