Got a toothbrush?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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