so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
