someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
