Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
