Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
