it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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