I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
