Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
