Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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