I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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