So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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