even my farts smell like vagina
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
