my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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