Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
