I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
