yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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