he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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