Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was confusing and full of hummus
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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